(week 239) August 4 2016 12 Step Study Big Book All Addictions Workshop.
Big Book Into Action page 78:3
“Perhaps we have committed a criminal offence which might land us in jail if it were known to the authorities. We may be short in our accounts and unable to make good. We have already admitted this in confidence to another person, but we are sure we would be imprisoned or lose our job if it were known…”
Underline the words as shown above.
When doing your own amends always share these things with someone else.
Write on these two major questions:
Q1. Having the other one’s happiness uppermost in my mind is the most important thing when making amends.
Q2. Can I make amends to ……..(go through the major people you have to make amends to) accepting that they may not let me off the hook with forgiveness?
These are two really important step 8 questions. [As a group we are really only on step 8. We are only doing step 9 because some of you are already making amends.]
Do not make amends until your heart is ready to do this with God, knowing you are on a life and death errand. That is when you go to make amends. It is not to be rushed into it. Check your motives and ask yourself: “Am I just doing this to feel better?”
Q3. ‘I can do anything I want so long as I stay sober in AA’ (or whatever is your main fellowship). Write on this.
When I hear this at AA meetings I want to jump out of my skin. No we cannot do anything we want and my abstinence, sobriety, recovery from co-dependency, etc., cannot be at the expense of other people. In the past I have not taken care of myself and made my husband turn inside out so I could be sober and abstinent That is not fair. I needed to make amends. “I am really sorry I did not bring my food with me and now we cannot do what we planned on doing. Now I have to make you responsible for getting my food.” Now I always have back-up in my car. I do not treat my husband in a shocking way any more. But I did. My abstinence had to be his abstinence and I learnt that is so selfish and self-centred of me. Because abstinence is not the most important thing, living a God-honouring life is. Honouring God, honouring the people I am with and my abstinence is a responsibility for me to live a God-honouring life and I will do that. I know what I have to do to be God honouring about my behaviour with my husband and other people and what I have to do to take care of my relationship with God. If I fail to eat on my food plan, my relationship fails to be God honouring. It is a beautiful way of life.
Q4 Seeking more attention (key word is ‘more’) than what we deserve. Write on this.
Stephanie’s definition of flirting: ‘Trying to get attention that I don’t deserve.’
Q5 What does living amends look like to you with the hardest person in your life?
(This may be your husband, child, boss, neighbour, sponsor, whomever. Somebody that really has hurt you with the way they react and to whom you know you need to make living amends).
Love and tolerance is our code. Living amends means going to God, having Quiet Time, having an Action Plan, then having accountability so you do what you say you are going to do. Being a positive person is the best living amend.
Some people do not need to know the harms we did to them. Instead, we can let them know what a blessing they are in our lives. It is possible to be positive and tell even challenging people what a blessing they are. Indeed, it is the most difficult people who give us the deepest teaching on how to live a sober life.
You do not push, pull, prod, dominate, manipulate, criticise, ever, instead you speak your piece with ‘I ‘ or ‘Me’ statements. “I need you to know that that action really hurts me and it feels you don’t respect me. I know you are not doing it on purpose .”(That is the living amend). You are telling them something about their behaviour and how it is affecting you negatively. “I know you are not doing it ion purpose, I just want you to know how it is affecting me.”
Living amends is sharing our lives with people, not being defensive, but instead always trying to rephrase things so I take responsibility for myself and my feelings but also being honest with them so I don’t have a resentment that lives in the middle of our relationship.
Our live phone meetings are every Tuesday at 8:00 AM EST. The phone number for these live meetings is (712) 775-7031, and the meeting ID number is 714744988#.
P O Box 531
North Pembroke MA 02358
You can listen to our recorded meetings at (641) 715-3900, pin 95666# for our Tuesday Big Book Step Study workshop. You can also hear our Thursday Big Book Study recordings at (641) 715-3900, pin 298913#. These meetings can be accessed at any time.