(week 160) 22 January 2015 12-step Big Book All Addictions workshop
If you need a buddy, email Sue at: firstname.lastname@example.org
You can have more than one buddy; in fact Stephanie recommends it. The more buddies you have, the better. They’re like insurance because people come and go like flies in this BB step-study process. So, if one buddy drops out, you still have other(s). And belonging to a buddy
group (or more than one), as well, can only enhance your insurance because, if you lose your buddy, you still have the group to read your work to. The greatest gift you can give yourself is by reading your work to another, a witness, and listening to someone else.
If anybody in a group makes you feel unsafe, call or text Stephanie on her cell 617/ 774-7916
or email her at: email@example.com
These groups are for reading your writing, getting your feelings up and out, giving them to God and feeling safe.
You can read the back of your paper – your feelings – but you don’t have to. There are no ‘have to’s.
We could use donations.
We are now paying a very minimal salary to the person who puts up the recording on the website. It is work for which she deserves every penny. Plus we have to pay for security for the website and for voice box so you can hear on the website. We have expenses. Stephanie is free! Pray about supporting your Big book group. Send donations to:
P O Box 531
Today we’re just listening to other people’s writing.
There’s no right and wrong way to do the writing. Stephanie is just guiding with her comments.
She is not God- she is just Stephanie. But she is not your God. Go to God with your feelings about what Stephanie has to say and He will answer you.
Keep the front page of the inventory for facts. Leave the painful feelings for the back.
Get the feelings out and let them go- up and out, to God. Only God can take these hurt feelings;
they’re too big for us.
Just remember: the more wordy we are in the turnaround, the more we get diverted into our negative feelings. Try to stay succinct and specific.
And know: the lies we tell ourselves ( LITM) are what keep us in the resentments, what keep us sick.
If you get stuck writing step four: say the Third Step Prayer over and over again. And ask your Higher Power: Please guide me. Help me to set aside my ego and set aside what I think I know about this resentment, this situation.
Turnaround: The only way to see the truth and recover
The more words we write on the front for the turnarounds, the less specific we are. Too many words diverts us and makes us crazy.
Lie of omission: Have you told him/her how hurt you were? No.
What did you need to say that you didn’t?
Do you feel you need to say something to make this right, that you haven’t said?
Lies we tell ourselves
Tell God what lies you tell yourself.
e.g. You don’t know your friend will never love and trust you again. It is a lie you are telling yourself. Are you telling yourself there is something you can do to make it right?
e.g. What do you want from your friend? The same trusting relationship I had before the incident. Bring that request to God.
I will get back the relationship the way I want it.
I told myself I was….
(Fantasy is a behavior we may do to get what we want).
We have lived in this garbage for so many years. Now it is time to give it to God and move on.
After you have done the turnaround
If you still have feelings write them on the back and take the turnarounds to your Higher Power.
It is hard to find the truth if you haven’t written your feelings on the back.
The facts are not awful. Facts don’t have feelings. You are respecting your feelings by writing them on the back. Then turn the page over and get into the facts which is where the solution is. With the facts and your Higher Power you can get well. If you remain in the feelings you will keep being a victim with every situation except for rape, molestation or murder where you don’t have a part initially. Afterwards your part is: I held onto the resentment and it is killing me. That is the only part you played if you were raped, molested, had an act of terrorism, a murder, etc.. The only part we play is after all is said and done we stay in the resentment and un-forgiveness. We never get well when we keep going over and over the hurt. Resentment means re-feel. You already felt it when you were raped. You have already gone through the hurt, why keep re-hurting yourself?
Just keep saying: I am giving this to God. I cannot handle it. It is going to make me sick and go back to my addiction. If you want to say: God you punish them, that’s OK. Give it to God so you can move on and have a good life. We do not need to stay in fear. All it will do is make us have negative self-seeking behavior.
If more resentments come up while you are listening or writing
add them to your initial list. Then pray about how important each is to do right now. Make sure you have done all the important resentments first i.e. those that are currently bothering you big time. Then do the others. We have time as it won’t be until June that we move onto fear.
We are learning how to do this for a lifelong process. We all get resentments every day which why we have the 10th step.
Write a minimum of 15-30 minutes a day. If you cannot do 30 minutes daily you are probably too busy and not making your recovery a priority. You can of course, do an hour, devote a whole week-end. Do as much as you want.
Write on a daily basis to bring issues to your higher power in Quiet Time. Write on the back all the feelings you have today about what happened in the past.
Examples of the three types of dishonesty:
Direct Lie: You tell someone exactly what is not the truth. e.g. I didn’t go to the Thursday meeting. I wasn’t there. Or you ask: Stephanie did you did your workshop today? And she replies: No.
Lie of omission: What I need to say to bring the truth to the relationship.
For example Stephanie says if her husband didn’t take out the garbage (his responsibility) and she said nothing it would be a lie of omission.
Date rape: Stephanie says: I was 26 and a man who was one of a group of us who had been drinking all evening in the bar offered to drive me home as I did not have my car. He then followed me inside and date raped me. Lie of omission: I saw him afterwards and said nothing. I never said: ‘What you did was wrong. I am going to press charges.’ I lived in resentment because I never got honest with him.
The lie I told myself: What do I expect, I was drunk? I put myself in that situation because I am an alcoholic. I was drinking and so I somehow led him into believing that he could have sex with me without asking.
The lies we tell ourselves keep us in resentment.
Go to the different lies: they are very, very important. The truth will set us free so we can bring it to God, our buddies and sponsor.
Rape is rape. It is not my fault and it is not acceptable. My part now is if I am still holding a resentment. This incident happened when I was 26 and I am now 65. Thank God I could let go of it fifteen years ago when I did this Big Book process. I stopped carrying the shame and the guilt (that were his) and I no longer don’t have a resentment against him. I feel sad for him.
Read the feelings to your buddy so they can see the context and understand the resentment. Hopefully it will be the last time you will ever need to share it.
If there were feelings on the front Stephanie’s sponsor would say: This is the crap you have been living in since it happened. Don’t you think its time you let it go?
Stephanie says: I don’t have to live in that any more. I am free. I have cut the ties. Write out all the feelings and then put the facts down. Its like cleaning up and throwing away all the dirt. I don’t have to re-feel all that awful stuff. Its a choice. If I don’t let go then I am choosing to be my own victim. Now I can take responsibility for my part and let God be responsible for the other person.
Our live phone meetings are every Tuesday at 8:00 AM EST. The phone number for these live meetings is (712) 775-7031, and the meeting ID number is 714744988#.
P O Box 531
North Pembroke MA 02358
You can listen to our recorded meetings at (641) 715-3900, pin 95666# for our Tuesday Big Book Step Study workshop. You can also hear our Thursday Big Book Study recordings at (641) 715-3900, pin 298913#. These meetings can be accessed at any time.